My Cougar Journey: the soundtrack of a woman named Elle.

The summer of 2002 is when our story begins. It was the end of my Junior year of college, unlike most youths I actually waited until I was 21 to start drinking. Though I never got involved much into the college drinking scene, you soon realize that your Friday and Saturday nights get a lot more interesting. As I made my way home for the summer break, I had a buddy stay with me who was going to take a flight out of Dallas to New York in a few days. Thus like any good host, I decided it was best to show him the Dallas night life and take advantage of finally being able to get into certain places now being 21.

Where we ended up was one of those 4 in 1 theme bars that I think might only be in Texas. Times Square was an old movie theater that to your 8 o'clock was a country western bar, at 10 o'clock was a karaoke bar, noon was a regular bar top and to the right at 3 o'clock was a huge dance floor that played club music and 2 other bars inside. Basically a great playground for eager men looking to find a fun night, only problem was once we got inside that we noticed that people were a good 10 and even 20 years older than us. It was too late, the doorman already had our $10 and we really didn't know where else to go. So we spent a good 2 hours roaming with beers in hand, looking for at least someone our age to strike up a conversation with. That's when I saw her, ELLE, a beautiful blond who was being pursued be a few guys along with her gal pal. When I made eye contact, a huge smile came over her face.

Now I am going to let you in a little secret about me, I am not really good at initiating a women in a bar setting. All I ever have is "hey I saw you across from the bar and I think you are pretty." Basically I have no game as they like to call it. Well good thing that she came up to me, I asked her to dance as we made our way out to the dance floor and found a perfect spot between the crowd of people. (For the record one usually can't get me to dance unless I've had a few drinks already in me). So as we tried talking over the load music and she asked me THE question. "How old are you?"

"21" I replied. She had a surprised look on her face, unsure what to do next she followed with "I'm 33." Which shocked me as I thought she would be at the oldest 28. There we were dancing with 12 years between us, unsure of what to do next. Though we shared an obvious attraction between us, I was unsure of what to do next as I never pursued after a woman. Yet as we regrouped with our friends and had a few more drinks, it was obvious that the age difference wasn't as big of a factor as we thought it would be. As the night came to an end and her crabby friend was ready to go home, I asked her if I could see her again. She gave me her number a slight kiss as she got in her car and drove off.

For the next few weeks we had a great time together and I had many first with her, who as a young boy was always she with girls seemed to start catching up with many of his contemporaries. Here is a tidbit just in case any of you are thinking it, I actually didn't have sex once with her. Sure we rounded the bases a few times, but I actually didn't lose my virginity until I was 23. I only share that as I think it proves relevant to my intentions. Though I did hope she would be my first. July 4th rolled around and I had a nice evening planned of watching fireworks at a event called Ka Boom Town. Yet unfortunately that never happened, as days before she confessed to me that she had a boyfriend who she was "on a break" from. So there I am at a crossroads with this information and now I have to make a decision, did I have a future with this woman? Since she said they were on a break, I wanted to still date her and see what progressed as the summer drew to a close.

Thus I was gearing up for my last year of college and I did the only thing that I thought I should do, I told her it's best we don't see each other anymore and that she should gives the guy she was seeing another chance. It's not what I wanted to say, but I felt it was the responsible thing to do. We kept up via e-mail, but it pained me to read her messages as each one remained me of the mistake I made.

I won't go any further of what happened next as some drama ensued which later resulted in a phone call between the boyfriend and I. At least I can say I walked away with my head held high. She ended up marrying the guy and now have a son together in the greater Dallas area. I keep in touch with her still randomly via e-mails, but that's the extent of it. I'm not sure if I would say that I was in love with her, but she did captivate me in ways that no other woman has yet been able to do since.

If I am honest with myself, I think every relationship I had afterward was trying to replicate elements I felt with her. Which we all know is impossible. Now that I am a little older, I realize in some ways she used me. Maybe it wasn't her intention, but she got attention from me that she wasn't getting from her boyfriend. Which after he found out from me, he cleaned up his act and a ring soon came after. But that's all water under the bridge, I realize now that I probably wouldn't be happy if I tried to start a life with her then. But what a lesson it was, bittersweet indeed.


Soundtrack of Elle: The Summer and Aftermath.

Summer of Elle.

1.Love At First Sight- Kylie Minogue
"Everything went from wrong to right and the stars came out
filled up the sky, music you were playing really blew my mind...
it was love at first sight."

2.Amber- 311
"Launched a thousand ships in my heart."

3.Heaven- DJ Sammy
"Once in your life you will find someone, who will turn your
world around; pick you up when you are feeling down."

4.It's Your Love- Tim McGraw
"Better than I was, more than I am. All this happened, by
taking your hand."

5.Secret Garden- Bruce Springstein
"She'd let your in her house, if you come knocking late
at night."

6.Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think
that they'd understand."

7.Days Go By- Dirty Vegas
"Your still a whisper on my lips.... feeling as if I have
been cursed; bitter cold within. Days go by and still I think
of you."

8.Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessionals
"As for now I am going to hear the saddest songs and sit alone &
wonder how you are making out."

9.Best I Ever Had- Verticle Horizon
"So you stole my world, now I am just a phoney. Remembering the
girl leaves me down and lonely."

10.Walking Away- Craig David
"I thought you realize, that I am not like those other guys."

11.Walk On- U2
"I know it aches and your heart it breaks, you can only take
so much."


The Aftermath of Elle.

1.Love Like- Steve Manuel
“He says he don’t know love, he’s only been a victim.”

2.First Cut is the Deepest- Cat Stevens
“There is someone who has torn me apart, she has taken
almost all that I got."

3.Stuck in a Moment- U2
"Who've got to get yourself together, you got stuck in
moment and you can't get out of it."

4.Back To You- John Mayer
"I try to forget you, I try to stay away but its too late.
Over you, I am never over you, there is something about you.
It's just the way you move; the way you move me."

5.White Flag- Dido
"And when we meet, which I am sure we will. All that was
there, will be there still. I'll let it pass and hold me tongue
and you will think that I've moved on."

6.Better Man- Pearl Jam
"She lies and says she is in love with him..."

7.Cry Me a River- Justin Timberlake
"You took a chance, made other plans. I bet you didn't think
they would come crashing down... Bridges were burned, now it's your
turn to cry."

7.Rest in Pieces- Saliva
"Would you find it in your heart, to make this go away and
let me rest in pieces."

8.Don't Wanna Try- Frankie J
"I can't believe you had the nerve to say the things you
said, they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship."

9.I Will Survive- Cake
"I spent so many nights thinking about how you done me wrong."

10.F--k It- Eamon
"See I don't know why I liked you so much, I gave you all of
my trust. I told you I loved you. Now that's all down the drain,
you put me through pain."

11.Break My Fall- Plankeye
"Not my love she said, so break my fall today. I lack the
strength it takes. To be invincible from the earthly tore.
So many falls to break, to show me what it take, to be
unmovable when my spirit shakes."

12.My Immortal- Evanescence
"Your face it haunts... these wounds won't seem to heal...
I tried so hard to tell myself that you are gone."