Cougar Flicks: The Five Worst Movies From Our Best Cougars

Yes, it’s true. Even the loveliest of cougars can make the ugliest of movies. Here’s a countdown of just some of the worst films Hollywood’s beloved cougars have brought us.

5. Be Cool, Uma Thurman

Winner: Worst Sequel
Runner-up: Basic Instinct 2, Sharon Stone

Get Shorty was an amiable riff on the awesome Pulp Fiction. Uma Thurman was in Pulp Fiction with John Travolta, the star of Get Shorty. They danced together and then did some heroin. She O.D. It was the feel-good romp of the year and the film revived Travolta’s career (again) and made Uma a star. Studio execs must have thought, “Hey, since Tarantino won’t do a sequel to Pulp Fiction, let’s team up Uma and John in a sequel to Get Shorty!” The result: Be Cool.

Be Cool isn’t totally hideous, and its lameness is certainly not Uma’s fault, but to us it’s the worst kind of sequel – one that fails to even attempt to justify its existence.

4. The Scarlet Letter, Demi Moore

Winner: Worst Adaptation of a Great American Novel
Runner-up: The Bonfire of the Vanities, Melanie Griffith

Admittedly we’re not big fans of Hawthorne’s great American novel, but it was hard not to get excited about a movie in which the beautiful Demi Moore partakes of the great Gary Oldman’s forbidden fruit and endures the scorn of her Puritan community and her long lost husband, Robert Duvall. Then we watched it and were reminded of a few things. It’s a period piece. Robert Duvall will star in anything that gives him a decent paycheck. And Demi Moore makes bad movies.

3. Swept Away, Madonna

Winner: Worst Pop-Star Vehicle
Runner-up: Glitter, Mariah Carey

First, a confession. We’ve never seen Swept Away. We suspect if we had it’d be higher on this list. Madonna has made something of a side-career starring in uniquely terrible movies (Shanghai Surprise, Who’s That Girl?, Body of Evidence), and it is almost universally agreed this is her worst. It gets an impressive 5% on the Tomatometer and clocks in at #38 on the worst reviewed movies at Rotten Tomatoes, sandwiched between Cedric the Entertainer’s Code Name: The Cleaner and Chris Kattan’s Corky Romano. That’s stellar company. But, hey, maybe there’s a bright side. Michael Wilmington of the Washington Post says it’s “the kind of bad movie that only talented people can make.”

2. Nothing But Trouble, Demi Moore

Winner: Worst Movie Starring Demi Moore
Runner up: The Scarlet Letter

We love Demi, but there’s no denying one obvious fact: she’s made a number of execrable films. So many in fact that picking a worst is like choosing between death by fire, drowning, or suffocation.  It really doesn’t matter. Each involves excruciating pain and ends badly. But forced to choose, we have to go with 1991’s Nothing But Trouble, which proved that pairing two masters of disaster (Demi Moore and Chevy Chase) in a comic horror road movie was as bad an idea as you might expect.  Perhaps Entertainment Weekly critic Owen Glieberman put it best: “Sheer Hell.”

1. Catwoman, Halle Berry

Winner: Worst Superhero Movie
Special Jury Prize: Worst Movie Ever Finalist

Not only is Catwoman the worst of the bloated superhero genre, it’s quite possible the worst studio movie ever made. It’s at the very least an incredible fuck-up of a sure thing. How a movie studio could take a premise built on superhero action and Halle Berry in a latex suit and turn it into a boring, incomprehensible and, yes, sexless mess is beyond us. But they succeeded, and spectacularly so. It can’t even be enjoyed for its awfulness because it’s more baffling than humorously bad. And still it’s a mesmerizing strip of celluloid. It’ll come on the TV and after just a few minutes you’ll want to turn it off to go do laundry or mindlessly beat your head against the wall, but you won’t be able to. It exists only to torment you. We dare you to watch it.


Photo Source: IMDB