From The Vault: Our Open Letter to Heather Locklear

Following her public breakup with then-husband Richie Sambora, we made this impassioned plea to the beautiful Heather Locklear.

An Open Letter to Heather Locklear from the Founders of Urbancougar.com

SAN FRANCISCO, March 31, 2006

Dear Heather,

First, allow us to express our deepest sympathies to you with regards to the recent dissolution of your marriage to Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora. We recognize that this must be a trying time for you and your family and will continue to be so.

But as in all moments of turbulent change, there is also great opportunity.

Speaking on behalf of the millions of young American men like us who grew up basically worshipping you from afar and in our locked-door bathrooms, we encourage you to embrace the life of an urbancougar as you enter again into the world of love and relationships. Do this and you can not only help at least one of us live out our richly constructed fantasy of wooing Officer Stacey Sheridan, but you'll also realize the pleasures to be found in dating a young, energetic young man whose only goals in life are to please you, to learn from you, and to be the envy of every twenty-something in the world. The pleasures our Urbancougars of the Month speak so passionately about each month.

Ashton Kutcher mentioned how much he dreamed of Demi Moore when he was young, before Demi went cougar, made his dreams come true and, in the process, resuscitated (no, resurrected) her flailing career. But it was never Demi for us, really. Sure, she we liked her, but not enough to go out and see "The Butcher's Wife," "The Scarlet Letter," and "G.I. Jane." We never felt about her as we did about you. She just seemed kinda like a bitch. You, well, you seemed a little wholesome and a little dirty - all of our fantasies of sex packaged in one woman. We tolerated Bill Shatner (and  Adrien Zmed!) and watched "T.J. Hooker," just to see you wear that uniform and toss back that feathered hair. Shit, we even watched "Dynasty." And "Return of Swamp Thing." We watched all that crap you made in the Eighties. You know, cuz just maybe...

And then we lusted for you again when you re-emerged on "Melrose Place" to play the part of vamp and to practice in character your cougar ways by seducing that doofus Billy. We couldn't believe you could possibly be so hot, still. Yes, we watched that chick show every week, and frankly we'd Tivo it now. We even turned to "Spin City" when you embraced the life of a sitcom star. We endured all these shows, none of which we much liked, because there simply was no one woman we liked and wanted more than Heather Locklear.

Timing is everything, Heather. You'll soon be free. And we hear you've got a new TV show on the horizon, something called "Women of a Certain Age," the title of which to us sounds like a euphemism for "cougar." What better way to drum up a little publicity than to engage in five or six meaningless trysts with a young pride of willing prey? Heather, you could really make a bunch of us happy, and maybe build a little post-divorce self-esteem for yourself. And given that glam rock hasn't come back yet (thankfully), you likely won't end up with some cheesy-ass rocker with frizzy hair and a bigger cosmetics bag than you, which is really a plus for everybody involved. You don't know how it hurt when you married that douchebag Tommy Lee and later wound up with as big a wuss as Richie Sambora. Heather, you're better off.

So what do you say? We think you're up for it. And we humbly offer ourselves as test cases. You know, to get a feel for it. To see if being a cougar is what you're all about. We think you were born to be one, not simply to play one on TV.

Hopefully,

The Founders of Urbancougar




Photo Source: Hollywood Tuna